When last we left our hero, he was slowly dying, living out his sorrowful last moments tethered to a left-ventricular-assist device, waiting to shuffle off his mortal coil with calm resignation and karmic equipoise (OK, this last part, maybe not really). After all, he already had attained executive-branch closure by penning a remarkably vain autobiography.
Well, dry those tears, America—he’s back! We all woke up Sunday morning with the chilling news that Dick Cheney has a new million-dollar heart and may be as good as ever, or as good as a 71-year-old man on multiple medicines who just underwent a major surgery can possibly be. Given his track record of opting never to die, we should figure he will be around and ready to go as VP for both Jeb Bush in 2016 and George Prescott Garnica Bush (one of the little brown ones—let’s call him “P”) in 2024. And never mind the minor business with the 12th and 22nd Amendments—Dick will take care of it.
How did this happen? No, not the Florida recount, but how could someone so old and frail be a candidate for that most precious commodity, the human organ? Did Dick do a dick thing and leapfrog a bunch of other worthies, people who aren’t viewed by some as war criminals and evildoers but rather are decent folk decades younger, likelier to contribute to society and to provide a better return on investment for our taxpayer health-care dollars?
Don’t expect to see the liberal media get their panties in a wad over this disgusting hit piece. After all, Cheney is a conservative so it’s OK to wish him dead.
Update: According to Reuters, Cheney, actually, waited longer than others for his transplant. The average wait for a heart is six months to a year. Dick Cheney waited almost two years. But, Liberals never bother with the facts.