Before she was claiming Andrew Breitbart was assassinated by Vladimir Putin, getting sued for smearing Cassandra Fairbanks, and resorting to accusing your humble correspondent of running around with “facists” (sic), Louise Mensch was smearing something very different, but probably equally toxic, on her face.
In a series of videos posted 5 years ago, appropriately titled “unfashionista” (you said it, not me, Louise!), Mensch subjects the viewer to a mesmerizing series of advertisements for Why Kids Shouldn’t Do Drugs, cleverly described as makeup and dress vlogging. These range from a “dress test,” which sounds like something either the worst beauty pageant or best escort agency made up; to a video on “Even faster dressing” video (faster than what? worry not, innocent reader, you shall find out); to a 4 minute 9 second study on early-onset dementia titled “Fast basic make up.”
The first two of these are bizarre, but also brief: either mercifully or disappointingly so, depending on your enjoyment of cringe content. In the “dress test,” Mensch struts toward the camera in a hideous, psychedelic ensemble that looks like it was designed by cribbing from the combined nightmares of Gianni Versace and Jackson Pollock. The video only lasts 4 seconds, as if Mensch was particularly anxious to avoid the full catwalk treatment for fear of showing her backside. I wonder why.
The second, the “even faster dressing” video, is false advertising because Mensch starts the video all but completely dressed. “Okay, so two seconds later, I’m brushing my hair,” Mensch says. As you will see by the end, this woman does not brush her hair in two seconds.
“I’ve got dressed,” she continues, again obviating the point of the video, “I just, I’m in such a rush, I just put these on.” The camera angles down toward a pair of shoes, and not for the last time, we wonder who the hell Mensch is talking to. Never mind, I know who. Her “sources in the intelligence community.” Or the Marshal of the Supreme Court. One of the two.
Anyway, Mensch then follows this by walking into her closet, showing the audience herself in the mirror, saying, “there you go, two seconds, and I am rushing out the door to the doctors’ with a cold.” Somehow, I doubt that a cold was responsible for any irritation in Louise’s nose. Other substances do that much better.
And speaking of other substances, that brings us to the piece de resistance of these three gems: The makeup tutorial.
Oh God, the makeup tutorial.
Appropriately, before the video begins in proper, Mensch warns the reader that “here is the full horror of me.” Consciously, she clearly means the horror of her without makeup or a hairdo, but one can almost hear the sheer existential angst gnawing at the back of her mind, trying to penetrate the haze of cocaine and wine.
Then, after wondering in awe at the power of a wet brush to go through hair, Mensch begins brushing her hair, particularly “really thick” hair like hers, Mensch begins madly scraping her scalp with the brush for a good 24 seconds, disconcerting ripping noises punctuating each swing of the brush. It looks like the sort of thing Gilead would inflict on its handmaids as punishment, but mercifully it’s over quickly.
Then it’s onto the foundation — BB Cream — which Mensch slathers over her face with an unholy zeal. She does this in front of the camera, even though she herself admits it’s not a mirror. When she finally checks the mirror and — presumably — recoils, she grabs the tube of BB cream, squeezes more out with a feeble excuse about “missing the edges of [her] skin,” and proceeds to cake even more on in an effort to repair the damage. When she next sits down, her face is glistening with the stuff.
This is standard for the rest of the video. Mensch slaps bronzer on instead of blush and lip gloss, educates her viewers on which brand of brush she uses (this is very important because reasons), and opines on the fact that she doesn’t need mascara
because the coke-induced bags under her eyes are already a perfect smoky-eye…I mean, because she has naturally dark eyelashes. She closes by saying this approach can take you from looking like a complete mess to looking normal. Oh, Louise. As if you could ever be normal, in any way.
The videos stopped in March of 2013, with view counts in the low thousands, at which point Mensch had stopped her very brief stint in Parliament. Appropriately, the comments on the videos are mostly from angry constituents demanding why she didn’t have better things to do, as well as one deeply disturbed man who says Mensch will get more hits “if [she does] a pole dancing tutorial,” which, please God, no. However, ironically, there is one particularly odd element — a comment from Mensch herself that reads:
Hey, I didn’t know you covered this kind of thing! Very cool. I also have very thick hair. I’ll look at all your unfashionistas stuff. Go girrl!
One suspects that Mensch left this comment with a dummy account, trying to drum up views, only to have her attention-seeking exposed when Google updated to a new interface in the succeeding years. One way or another, it and the videos are a commentary on the sad career of this desperate attention-seeker. When even Louise Mensch’s comments are sock puppets, what are her sources, exactly? Like the comments, one suspects that they are Mensch talking to herself, hoping beyond hope that we all will listen: to her advice on makeup, to her crazy theories on politics, to her advice on dressing yourself when she’s already dressed herself, to anything, so long as we listen.
But we did not listen to the unfashionista. We should not listen to the un-politico she has become. And one day, once the insane corners of the Left quash their appetite for incomprehensible, unbelievable hogwash, all Louise Mensch will be is unemployed.