Taliban Training Killer Monkeys to Shoot Americans
Posted by Jim Hoft on Friday, July 9, 2010, 3:48 PM
Allahu Akbar!
The Taliban is reportedly training monkeys to shoot American soldiers.
Dallas Blog reported:
If President Barack Obama withdraws from the war in Afghanistan, he would be the first commander-in-chief in American history to surrender to an army of monkeys; and we’re not talking about fighting the ‘Planet of the Apes.’ The Taliban in Afghanistan has just gotten into the ‘monkey business’ of training primates to attack U.S. soldiers, according to a British-based media agency.
The People’s Daily of China reports that, “reporters from the media agency spotted and took photos of a few ‘monkey soldiers’ holding AK-47 rifles and Bren light machine guns in the Waziristan tribal region near the border between Pakistan and Afghanistan. The report and photos have been widely spread by media agencies and Web sites across the world.”
The British-media outlet claims that American military experts call them “monkey terrorists.” The Taliban is resorting to cruel political means to meet political goals through conquest, destruction, assaults and other means.
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Published May 24, 2012 at 8:46 pm - 89 Comments
Mark1957 commented:
The only way to tell the Taliban from the Chimps is the Taliban are the ones wearing headscarfs.
down with dems commented:
Too Onion-ish to be true. Are there monkeys native to Afghanistan???
FreakyBoy commented:
Cousin Betsy the chimp shoots Jethro Bodine in a memorable Beverly Hillbillies episode. Right after Jethro tells the her: “That’s right, I’m a human bee-in’… I done evolutionized clean past you!”
So I guess this might work.
Chisum commented:
“The only way to tell the Taliban from the Chimps is the Taliban are the ones wearing headscarfs.”
+++++++++++++++++++++++
The Chimps are the ones that are potty trained.
Kenny Solomon commented:
I will NOT say what you’re thinking…….. a combination of Monkeys……. Obama…… Shooting…… and more.
No.
I won’t.
You can’t make me either.
So, pfffffffft !
—————-
Oh wait…… I had it all wrong…… How could I be so blind as to not see it instantly……………
The Cercopithecus Ascanius Defense Force just as well equipped and funded as the military.
But…… but…… Can’t we all just get along ?
Yes we can…….. have bananas.
KLS
gorgo commented:
The pictured chimp’s name is Caesar, btw.
Granny commented:
Perhaps they’ve found Bigfoot
BurmaShave commented:
Hmmm… I wonder what PETA will have to say about this.
Rob De Witt commented:
Sigh…another liberal dilemma, not unlike the “feminists” supporting I slam.
Those poor fur-bearers are being manipulated by humans to go in harm’s way. On the other hand, they’re being trained to kill AmeriKKKans.
Why doesn’t NPR tell me what to think about this?
Ladue Pundit commented:
Where’s PETA? Last month in Gaza they blew up a donkey.
Too bad if the monkeys turn on their handlers…
aro5o75 commented:
It won’t take the monkeys long to figure out that they are smarter than the islamo-nutbags.
templar knight commented:
The Taliban have now decided to put the more intelligent of the two in charge of the war effort. We await word from our Primate-in-Chief. I could say soooo much more….
sliderblaze commented:
hahahahaha
bill-tb commented:
So the Taliban is looking to upgrade their fighters?
xxx commented:
Looks like Obama. So the Taliban, Obama’s hommies, are training Obama to kill republicans. Figures, that was his plan since his birth. THat’s his destiny.
crosspatch commented:
I suppose this must mean they are running out of people willing to shoot at us. You can train a monkey to pull the trigger but you can’t train them to shoot straight. A monkey with a machine gun is just as dangerous to both sides. How do you train them to reload? How do you prevent them from just throwing away the weapon when it is empty?
It is likely a hoax. My guess it is PSYOP aimed at the Taliban from the Chinese designed to make them a laughing stock.
bg commented:
++
PETA, PETA, PETA, oh wait..
==
Kenny Solomon commented:
I want PETA to stand up for the chimps.…. stand up and really get into it.
In fact, I think EVERY member of PETA should go over there and confront the Taliban.
They should bring all the good big protest signs, hi-volume megaphones, wear bright colors all the time out in the field…… give ‘em the works.
Please.
Do it.
Richard Bagg commented:
Those were not monkeys… That was a photo of the new black panther party.
bg commented:
++
OT.. by Victor Davis Hanson
America’s Fall: It’s A Choice, Not A Destiny
[Much of the country thinks the war in Afghanistan is as good as lost. There are more than 80,000 American troops deployed there, along
with nearly 50,000 allied soldiers — facing fewer than 10,000 Taliban insurgents.
[..]
The U.S. military defeated both Saddam Hussein and the Islamic insurgency that followed him in Iraq, while fostering consensual government. With the same determination, there is no reason why it cannot do the same in Afghanistan. Certainly neither enemy is comparable to Nazi Germany or Imperial Japan, which a much poorer America helped to defeat simultaneously within four years of engagement.]
==
US Army vet. commented:
It will never work. The chimp is left handed, and the pistol isn’t. Also, with his left thumb on the slide, if the pistol fires, he will never pick one up again.
I think someone is trying to make a chimp,… err chump out of someone.
US Army vet. commented:
Sorry, right thumb on the slide.
Auntie Em commented:
Sounds like someone blew the whistle on Rham and Obama selling their military ideas to Afghanistan…got them written all over it.
kansas commented:
Those ears look familiar.
Dave-O commented:
Perhaps Obammy will direct NASA to start a Primate Outreach program – and remind the lovable, but heavily-armed chimps of their early contributions to the space program.
jonyjoe101 commented:
A monkey with a gun is dangerous, but they don’t have any air support or means to call in a airstrike. That right there is there archilles heal.
Otherwise, they would be just as smart and just as good if not better than the Taliban.
Opus #6 commented:
Sounds like the Taliban are having an enlistment problem.
archer52 commented:
They aren’t monkeys. I have a friend training Afghans. He says they hate water, hate taking baths, hate being clean. They won’t drink water, bathe in water or use soap.
The smell is nose hair curling.
The “monkeys” are a case of mistaken identity. It is just a bunch of hairy short afghans.
Robb76 commented:
Bet their theology is the same as their handlers.
Subadar Lal Kukhri commented:
Monkeys are measurably more intelligent than mohammedans.
Actually, mohanmmedans are grandsons of monkeys and pigs.
jainphx commented:
Wow, we have to fight a more intelligent enemy now! Could be a pleasant change from the animals we are fighting now, and monkeys are far cleaner and don’t smell as bad.
Warthog commented:
I challenge anyone here to say, “Taliban Monkey Snipers,” five times out loud without laughing. I can’t even think of it without a snicker.
Take it away Mr. Announcer.
**DING**DING**DING**
In this corner we have the champion, weighing in at 10,000 lbs. with a weapons payload of four Hellfire II anti-armour missiles, two laser-guided bombs (GBU-12 or EGBU-12) and one 500lb GBU-38 JDAM the MQ-9 Reaper.
And in this corner we have the challenger, weighing in at sixty pounds carrying an AK-47, the Taliban Monkey Sniper.
Round one, FIGHT!
**DING**
(The race does not always go to the swift, nor the battle to the strong. But it is wise to bet on the side with flying killer robots…)
Chisum commented:
At least monkeys pick the nits off each other.
militant conservative commented:
AH, I see Obama has his elite secret service force trained and ready. Oh, or is it his brown shirts trained to look like America. LOL Wait Wait, its his highly trained oilfield team to stop the deep horizon well. No, Damn I guess it is just his staff firing on the MSM when they ask the occasional direct question. Nothing but trained monkeys in the WH. Actually like my grandfather said they sh#t outside and track it in. powder is dry.
Daniel commented:
Chimps taught by chumps that won’t do the job they started.
Now don’t that just beat all.
Neo commented:
Just one step away from real “gorilla warfare”
cue “Planet of the Apes”
I hate every ape I see,
From chimpan-A to chimpanzee,
No, you’ll never make a monkey out of me!
wanumba commented:
US Army vet.
July 9th, 2010 | 5:37 pm | #23
I think someone is trying to make a chimp,… err chump out of someone.
………..
BINGO!
Add to that … Monkeys in S Asia are little nuisances, that run in nasty, swarming packs. Toy Story 3 captured the essence of monkey swarm very well! Apes are in Africa.
Opposable thumb deficiences are just ONE of SEVERAL major problems with this story.
An aside. If monkeys and apes were so smart and evolutionarily close to humans, how come they are NOT “man’s best friends?”
A very interesting fact about monkeys,apes and dogs was discovered by some intrepid researcher. Apes and monkeys are TOTAL clunks when it comes to picking up clues. But dogs are exceptionally adept at watching for hints.
Think the article reveals more about what the CHinese think of the Taliban than any revelation about the Taliban “war machine” itself.
chimpsStink commented:
American military should now bring dogs into battle trained to SMELL monkeys at a distance, then point like the dogs do for British fox hound hunting. Simply kill them from afar. There is no way they bathe those chimps and in the heat, they stink really bad.
Buffalobob commented:
Wait until ACORN finds out about this.
Taxpayer1234 commented:
I hope PETA, Greenpeace, EDF, and all those cuckoo groups high-tail it to Afghanistan to stop the monkey business. They’ll find out the Taliban don’t negotiate, and monkeys don’t, either.
BruceC commented:
http://www.motivatedphotos.com/?id=29202
big L commented:
Give them a gun, they’ll throw monkey poop on it.
s/w2001 commented:
That’s not a monkey, that’s ahmadinejad!
AuntieMadder commented:
PAGING HOFT! Cleanup on aisle 20!
AuntieMadder commented:
Warthog
July 9th, 2010 | 7:51 pm | #34
I challenge anyone here to say, “Taliban Monkey Snipers,” five times out loud without laughing. I can’t even think of it without a snicker.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Neo
July 9th, 2010 | 8:24 pm | #38
Just one step away from real “gorilla warfare”
cue “Planet of the Apes”
You two are killing me over here! LMAO!
By the way, when I was a little girl there was something on the news about guerilla warfare or guerillas waging war or something on the news and – you guessed it – I thought it meant gorillas were on the loose and were engaging in battle.
Chris Clinkinbeard commented:
The original plan to use goats had to be scrapped when too many Taliban troops complained that their goats were for “making love, not war”.
The French have expressed an interest in taking any of the monkeys, that refuse to fight, to be conscripted to their famous “Surrender Monkeys” brigade.
JD commented:
……What the hell is the difference?!?!
Earl Holt III commented:
I don’t know: In St. Louis and other large urban areas, monkeys kill each other every night over the last beer or some drug deal, or just because one looks at another in a funny manner.
I can’t say many do it for Allah, but they do it with abandon…
Flavia commented:
Animal welfare groups should be having caniptions over this.
BigAlSouth commented:
Can you really comment on something this stupid?
. . . Oh, wait.
Mike commented:
That poor little chimp’s eyes and facial structure are a dead ringer for Ahmadinejad!!! Poor little feller (the chimp)
CathyB commented:
LMBO!
April Fool’s Day came twice this year…
Good one, GP!
DMartyr commented:
Oh! You meant real monkeys? At first glance I thought the meant the usual jihadist monkeys…
Maybe they are just using monkeys as a last resort… all their mujaheddin are dying faster than our Troops can lock and load.
Constitutionalist commented:
You’re just jealous they’ve thought of extending the 2nd Amendment rights to animals before you did.
BarbaraS commented:
At least with the monkeys we know who the enemy is and they can be shot on sight. With the added plus the Karzai government won’t be whining about civilian casualties. Of course, the SPCA might complain. Then again I don’t believe the SPCA has a office in Afghanizistan. Can’t you just hear the liberals now when they want to end the war “It’s for the monkeys”?
John Mark commented:
This is fascinating I am from Gibraltar where the only wild apes in europe live in a semi wild status they are intelligent and fun to watch but I can’t imagine them shooting at people. I wonder do these primates also pray five times a day? what is next; suicide bomber primates!
RobNYNY1957 commented:
The story is not sourced very well. The Dallas Blog is liked to the People’s Daily, which quotes an unnamed “British news agency.” Photos are mentioned, but not included. I think we can hold off on this one until there’s some evidence.
bevis simpson commented:
@aro5o75No If the Taliban and Afghan insurgency are so dumb, why has a coalition that includes the world’s most powerful and advanced military been unable to defeat them for eight years?
germanjoey commented:
if you believe this you are retarded
goposaur commented:
Will that be one bridge or two you’d like to buy?
DMartyr commented:
John Mark, #59 – “I wonder do these primates also pray five times a day?”
Not a chance. Monkeys are far too intelligent to fall for muhammad’s cult.
TC commented:
Sounds like the Taliban has realised that it’s unfair to beat up “special” kids, so they’ve dedcided to send out some fighters against who the U.S. military might have a chance of making some forward progress.
Anne commented:
It’s a hoax people. And knock off the racial stuff.
oldguy commented:
They are already doing this in Philadelphia.
MaximusNYC commented:
“First Things is published by The Institute on Religion and Public Life, an interreligious, nonpartisan research and education institute whose purpose is to advance a religiously informed public philosophy for the ordering of society.”
So, judging from the comments here, this “religiously informed public philosophy” involves comparing Muslims, and the black president of the U.S., to monkeys. Interesting.
Gideon Balzar commented:
You yanks will believe anything.
Michael Lonie commented:
What makes you think that any of us actually believe this? It is merely an opportunity to mock a bunch of dim-bulb jihadists who particularly deserve mockery. The Brits mocked the Nazis and the Fascists in the 1930s (see, for example, Wodehouse’s character Roderick Spode). They ought to be doing the same with the radical Muslims, for the same reasons, but they are too frightened of them to do so, so instead they sic the police on anybody who criticizes the radical Muslims.
As for why the Taliban are still around, drug money for the Taliban from their good buddies the heroin merchants, support for the Taliban from radical Muslims in places like The Wahhabist Entity, the difficulty and remoteness of the terrain, the difficulty of getting Afghans to do anything except for corrupt bribes, support for the Taliban from ISI and active sanctuaries for them in Pakistan’s Tribal territories (the part the Brits could never control despite 90 years of ostensible rule) explain that well enough.
chuckdps commented:
comparing obama to a monkey! how hilarious!
you guys are just so clever and intelligent. How did your side ever lose the last three elections?
could it be because your are racists? and that rather than expressing christ-like love, you hate everyone who is different or has different ideas?
salvage commented:
You. Are. So. Very. Stupid.
CSC commented:
Hoft seems agnostic. The commenters appear mainly not to buy it, but throw themselves with abandon into the opportunity for embarrassingly racist, embarrassingly dumb attempts to be funny.
So, they stepped over the puddle… into a pile of dogsh*t.